my name is brian grivna, and i approved this mass email.

if you recall, or care to bring the repressed memory back to the
surface, i went to japan in the hope of making a new life for myself.
the pimpin', ballin', cap-bustin', software engineerin' life in the
MSP just got to be a bit too much for me. japan's siren song of
robotic pets, well-concreted waterways, free student-administered
enemas (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kancho) at elementary schools,
and nightly nomihoudais (all-you-can-drink) with fellow unruly
foreigners proved irresistible.

so i went. and i blogged. (http://roygbiv.semifat.net/) and boy,
was it mediocre writing.

but somehow - most likely through a combination of pity, luck,
gerrymandering, strong ties to the yakuza, iraq's missing WMD, and
thousands of cute, cuddly puppies - some of the stuff i wrote ended up
in an honest-to-god *book*. and not just *any* book, but the book
with the longest title since the advent of literature:

"Before the Mortgage: Real Stories of Brazen Loves, Broken Leases, and
the Perplexing Pursuit of Adulthood"

but between you and me, let's just call it "Before the Mortage". my
friends rachel hutton and christina amini edited it. they are really
really nice people. if you were to, say, purchase a copy of the book,
attend one of the many readings, visit the website
(http://www.beforethemortgage.com/), and/or spread the Good News of
the Coming of This Text, they would appreciate it greatly. and
seriously, aside from my garbage, the essays included are great:
clever, funny, and maybe even enlightening.

did i say readings? oh yes i did! am i participating in spite of my
illiteracy? oh yes i am!

minneapolis, magers & quinn, april 25th, 7:00 pm
new york city, housing works, may 16th, 7:00 pm

the details are available on the website. we have a crack team of
ventriloquists working around the clock to make my reading possible:
it's going to be more elaborate than NASA's faking of the moon
landing! boo-yah! i will gyrate spookily a la illusionist david
copperfield if you come. readings will also be taking place in san
francisco (4/19), and los angeles (4/20), but california's bouncer
won't let me in. something about my overalls. still, you should
attend those if you have a chance.

also, to allay your greatest fear: rest assured that i will not
receive *one cent* of the revenues generated from your support. it's
actually written into my contract.

here's what tom cruise is yelling about "Before the Mortgage":
"[jumping on couch] YES!!! YEEEEEEEEEAH!!! [pumping fist, throttling
Oprah] ALL RIGHT!!! [brandishing copies of 'Dianetics' and 'Before the
Mortgage'] THIS LITERATURE IS INCREDIBLE!!! BUY YOUR COPY TODAY!!!"

and that's pretty much it. i apologize for the mass email -
especially to those of you with whom i've been out of touch lately -
but figured it would be the best way to spread the word.