brian + japan = ?

Charles Schultz: A Truly Twisted Man

Some things are so inherently funny that no caption, however clever, could possibly be funnier than the basic fact that those things exist. An enormous inflatable Snoopy with a vagina is one of those things. (But, because I simply cannot leave well enough alone, I did...that.)

No Butts!

An interesting anti-smoking ad campaign has been running in Sapporo lately. They're probably totally ineffectively in the face of incredibly cheap cigarettes, omnipresent cigarette vending machines, and overworked individuals who need the escape, but I like the quirkiness.

Bonus funny: "Dr. Assy shoes! You trusted him with your butt, now trust him with your feet."

Obligatory Yuki Matsuri Report

Sapporo's lone claim to fame is the Yuki Matsuri (snow festival), held every February for over fifty years. It features a variety of snow sculptures, some of them truly gargantuan. I missed out last year because I was cavorting with the family in Austria. This year I came to the rather sad realization that I probably didn't miss much. Most of the goliath sculptures are little more than ads for large corporations, and for some reason they just aren't all that mind-blowing. Fortunately, there are many smaller, not-so-corporate sculptures which are at least semi-amsuing. Anyway, enough bellyaching, look at the pictures.

A preview pic, just to tempt you: Fox finds a new low and pitches their big CGI pic Robots with automatons humping.

Disney Disney Disney! Michael Eisner loves you! Hand-drawn animation is dead!

No corporate mascots to be found! I think this may be some sister city's town hall or something like that. So it obviously needed pretty colors and a rock band to compete with the others.

Go go Fighters! Nippon Ham is one corporation I can actually get behind. The bear (I think his name is "BB") is the Fighters' new mascot (replacing "Fighty" the pterodactyl (the Fighty pics are near the bottom)). He bears an eerie resemblance to the Twins' vile "TC Bear", but couldn't possibly be any worse.

Now for the part I sort of like - the non-corporate sculptures. This little castle is quite nice.

And this guy is just rad. He could be Ray Charles or the dictator of a small fascist state I've never heard of. I don't know why I failed to "take the picture with" him. Just shy, I guess.

Finally, meet Pei Yong Jun. Yon-sama, as he's known here, is a South Korean actor who starred in a syrupy Korean TV drama called "Winter Sonata". The drama has become a huge hit in Japan, particularly amongst middle-aged women, who are positively mad for the guy. One such gal is posing with this excellent likeness of him. (At the festival, there was actually an entire section of about ten smaller sculptures recreating scenes from "Winter Sonata". This one was not part of that grouping, but due to its high quality, may have been the single most popular sculpture at the festival!)

So Very Dumb.

Yesterday, the green woolen pants I wear daily in cold weather had their first major catastrophe in five years of overuse - the top button came off. I've sewed many a button back on in my life, but I've never been terribly happy with the result. Professionally-attached buttons always seem to have just the right amount of play, whereas mine tend to hug the fabric too closely. I googled this page and had to scoff at the non-sewing advice, which seemed pretty obvious to me. Anyway, I read on, and a few stitches in time later, the button was resecured!

On the outside of my pants, rather than the inside, where it was supposed to be. Obvious indeed.

Autoschadenfraude

Remember the test I took last December? The one that was a level higher than planned? Well, I failed.

But check out the score! Rounding semi-liberally, a whopping 50%!!! (Remember, 60% or better is a pass.) I've never been so happy to fail a test. I threw away my postcard from the previous year's test, but this one is getting framed.

Sounds like Super Bowl XXXIX was a decent game. (Was Super Bowl XXX frequently referred to as the "Porn Bowl"? It must have, but why do I not remember this? I really wish the NFL would go with a wittier naming scheme a la The Naked Gun and its sequels (though I was always really pissed that they made the third installment "The Naked Gun 33 1/3" instead of "The Naked Gun Pi". I can't be the only guy who finds irrational numbers hilarious.).) Anyway, good thing the game was OK, as it looks like the ads were ass. The only one that got a genuine laugh out of me was the FedEx ad featuring the inimitable Burt Reynolds. The guy's been comedy gold ever since Norm Macdonald's legendary SNL Jeopardy! bits.

In My Day...

I'm visiting a new school for a few weeks. Today I did a class with san-nensei (ninth graders). Some of them asked me questions they'd prepared earlier. One girl asked me the following:

"How many girls do you eat?"

Whoa. Is she actually asking me how many women I've cunnilingified? Though there was no other rational interpretation (barring cannibalism), I couldn't believe it. I acted confused for a while, and eventually the teacher laughed and explained that, yes, holy fuck, she *was* actually asking me that. Japan's very liberal attitude towards sex never bothered me before. Quite the contrary! (Well, maybe they could do without the manga kiddie porn, the budding pedophile's Flinstones Chewable Vitamins.) But all I could do was give this girl a "What in the fuck is wrong with you?" look and move on. I'm pretty sure this was my first-ever Grumpy Old Man calibre "what's wrong with the damn kids these days?" moment.

Spasm

Once or twice, my father has suggested I cobble this blog into a book, a book certain to top the Books Jane & Brian Grivna Bought subsection of the New York Times' Bestsellers List. While the idea of writing for a living is mighty appealing, events sometimes conspire to remind me that I don't have what it takes. Just a few minutes ago, for instance.

[Brain input] The light coming through my frosted glass windows seems brighter than normal for 9:30PM.
[Brain output] It must be snowing.

Investigation proved me right, and there was something extremely satisfying about this that made me want to write about why oft-bitched-about snow is really a wonderful thing and somehow serves as the foundation of a noble sect of tough, proud, shivering individuals, real salt of the earth folk, the basis of everything that escapes Garrison Keillor's mouth and somehow avoids getting vacuumed back by his mighty nasal inhalations. But I couldn't come up with anything worth saying.

On the other hand, watching the preview of the Tim Burton remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory somehow inspired me to write this in an email to Tim:

"the trailer exhibits a pretty rad sense of style and design and makes
it look as though it'll be semi-faithful to the original (though wonka
hunting in a jungle is a little curious), but i still question whether
the absolute gem of wonder and preachy midgets we so loved as kids
really needs a remake."

and I am pleased as punch with it. Why am I inspired to write things that make me happy about things that furrow my brow instead of the things that make me happy? I'm pretty sure that makes me a curmudgeon, not a writer.

OK, now that ridiculous tangent is out of the way. The real news is that I'm almost certainly coming home for good this summer. And that I'll do my very best to revitalize this stupid would-be book and lampoon the many Japanese things I have yet to lampoon.