November 28, 2004
Prophylactastic!
For the two of you who seemed upset by the much-longer-than-usual interval between entires, a heartfelt gomen nasai. But I just assumed the roughly two hundred spam messages in various entries' comments were keeping you happy! Deleting the occasional spam was no problem, but the sudden deluge and Movable Type's craptastic comment-management interface have me waving the white flag. And I fear there will be no truce from these prescription drug peddling bastards. So until we come up with an effective solution, you may not want to bother leaving comments, as they'll probably go unnoticed. Sad.
Anyway. Lotsa stuff has happened in the past 1.5 months. Some of it - the legitimate re-election of the presidential equivalent of Growing Pains' Boner (and thus the defeat of Kerry's spot-on Alan Thicke) - I'd rather not talk about. What I would like to talk about is far more exciting: Japanese condoms!
Because I've been deeply concerned about the sexual proclivities of my many pet cucumbers of late, I decided to give up on the abstinence rap and buy them some protection. This led me to the world of unbridled madness that is shopping for condoms in Japan. I can't find the damn statistic now, but I read that Japan is the world's leading condom consumer, using something like 60% of all condoms produced in the known universe. That could be utter crap, but I know for a fact that the condom is by far the preferred means of birth control in Japan, largely because the pill still hasn't caught on.
My quest for vegetable virus defense began - where else? - at the local convenience store. In spite of what I thought to be a pretty thorough search, they were nowhere to be found. Maybe they were behind the counter, but I wasn't about to open that can of bashful linguistically challenged worms. Next stop? The local POWERS, a store which claims to specialize in drugs and alcohol. And how! After a cursory run up and down every aisle with no results, I was confused. How the fuck can everyone purchase condoms if no one can fucking find them? They had to be there. BRIAN NEEDS LATEX BADLY.
So I whipped out the fine-toothed comb. Then I remembered that my hair is short now and I don't need a comb, so I put it away. Then, next to the Band-aids, I found my quarry. And I felt really really dumb, because how the hell does someone miss a display like this???
Behold, The Motherlode! Sorry, some of these pictures are a bit out of focus. I took them without the flash on to minimize the spectacle I was already creating as a foreigner taking pictures of condoms in a drug store. (My hands were unsteady for obvious reasons.) Nothing subtle here: a horse, Cyrano, and BIG. It's gonna take a mighty meaty cock to fill these shoes! The character on the gold sticker on the BIG box says futoi, "fat".
Blue box. The brand name is "Triple Shock!". Just what the ladies are looking for! Bullet point 1: "494 bumps!" Bullet point 2: "14 rings!" Bullet point 3: "Mint and menthol [flavors], six each!"
Orange box. On top: "Fits softly! [A whopping] 1350 dots!" Circle: "Amazing! New feeling/sensation condom!"
The yellow and green boxes are pretty obvious: the Japanese means "GET your own size!" As for the box with the HUGE FUCKING FIST on it...I'm not positive, but I think "Goku Atsu" means "ultra-thick". It is 0.1mm thick after all, more than twice as thick as your average condom. The red sticker says "[You] can enjoy long play." And check out the big markdown! The fist scared me away, though.
Further proof that the Japanese will anthropomorphize anything, even the lube on a rubber. This "new concept" condom is "gentle for women," and offers "plenty of jelly!" At the bottom, "due to the jelly's smoothness, feels natural. Overflowing with wetness [this kanji also seems to mean gain or profit, perhaps a clever double meaning]!"
Hee hee hee. If HUGE FUCKING FISTs aren't your thing, how about a cute little chicky? Really unsure about this one, but my best guess for the sticker on top is "Mama's gentleness. Thoughtful skin." The S+he condom's yellow sticker says something like "Four times the smooth jelly! Born from women's voices, this condom is kind to them."
There were plenty more, but I'm pretty sure they would've called the police on me if I'd gone much farther. If the response is encouraging, I'll go for another run. By the way, I bought the Super Big Boys.